Draco Dormenins Nunquam Titillandus English!
by skinnerbox27
Summary: This story was inspired from the logo on the Hogwarts crest and I thought it would make a pretty funny story. FIRST FANFICTION! I, like a lot of other people or so they say , suck at summaries. The story may be considerably better.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello potterheads! This is my first fanfiction and criticism is welcome. This story was inspired from the Hogwarts logo on the Hogwarts crest. Hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Harry Potter. All credits go to the queen, JK Rowling.**

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><p><strong>Draco Dormenins Nunquam Titillandus<strong>

Sitting on her bed, Hermione was wondering what the Hogwarts logo meant. She was _**Hermione Jean Granger **_and Hermione Jean Granger hated not knowing things. Hour after hour she would just keep thinking about it. She still had her charms and potions homework to do and it was the night before the assignment was due. At this rate her homework and knowledge about the school logo would be going nowhere.

Frustrated, she opened her charms book and started writing her assignment on a piece of parchment she found under her 4-poster bed.

Ever since she had started dating Slytherin prince, Draco Malfoy, the familiar name did not stop bothering her. Draco did tell her that his name meant dragon but pushing it any farther meant putting him in a fowl mood.

"Hey, how about you ask Zabini about it? He always has a smirk plastered on his face when you ask Draco!"

"No Hermione. You have to do your homework. Last year at school. Don't want to mess it up."

"Get lost, bitch. She knows what she wants. She can decide for herself."

"Exactly. And you're doing nothing but deciding for her."

"Honestly! Listen to yourself!"

"Merlin's beard! Shut up!" Hermione shrieked looking up at the two Hermionees in the air. One with horns and an evil trident and the other with a halo and white wings. She did know that the war would damage her mentally, bout to this extent? Not so much.

The two 'Hermionees' in the air burst into nothing-ness and the real Hermione sighed of relief.

"Hermione, is everything alright?" Parvati's voice brought her back from….whatever that was. Great! Now she had woken up her only room mate.

"Everything's alright! Just had a nightmare. Go back to sleep." The silence from the other side of the room indicated that Parvati was already asleep.

'I think I'll do my homework right now and ask Zabini about the logo later,' she thought. Coming to an agreement with herself, she proceeded with herremaining homwwork.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Please excuse my gramatical errors and spelling errors. I will try my best to make the second chapter less crappier than this one. And if anybody has already used this idea...I'm sorry but I'm not stealing this. This is my won idea.<strong>

**Reviews are appreciated! And THANKS FOR READING!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello fanfiction readers! I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to upload. My finals were up so i couldn't write. And it took me quite a lot of time to figure out how to upload the next chapter. *looks away and mutters, embarrassed* But excuses aside... THE SECOND CHAPTER! I hope you like it. **

**Disclaimer: you know the drill. Harry Potter belongs to the queen, J.K Rowling, and J.K Rowling only.**

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><p>The day started out on a pretty bad note. Her head hurt from lack of sleep and her limps were practically asleep. But determined not to let anything interrupt her daily routine, Hermione dragged herself to the bathroom and prepared herself for an excruciatingly long day. She had a lot of convincing to do. She had to convince Blaise to spill out the beans on the mysterious dragon. She also had to convince Slughorn and Flitwick regarding her poorly written assignments. A long, hot shower would do her good and after that she would prepare herself for all the convincing she had to do.<p>

As she walked down the stairs to the great hall, she thought about how she was going to ask Blaise without Draco noticing. He was rather possessive. Not that she's complaining.

She walked up to Ron ,who was helping himself to some toast and marmalade, and plopped herself down next to him.

Ron and Hermione had agreed that their kiss was just the pressure of the war and everything falling apart. They decided that the seven years of bickering lead to nothing but an incredibly strong friendship.

"Sour morning, 'mione? Ron asked, taking the first bear bite from his breakfast.

"Not really. Where's Harry?" Hermione replied nonchalantly. Even though Ron and Hermione weren't more than friends, Ron didn't approve of Hermione and Draco's relationship. Nor did Harry but he managed to reduce the name-calling.

"Still asleep. He isn't exactly having peaceful nights,"

Hermione raised her eyebrows at this, concerned. Harry Potter was famous for nightmares, except they were more than nightmares. They were kind of kind of a telepathy connection between him and Voldemort.

Ron seemed to have noticed this and added hastily," Just flashbacks from the war. People dying. Him being hit by the killing curse, other stuff that didn't happen…" his voice trailed off and Hermione knew better than to question this. They both ate in silence.

Hermione finished her breakfast, nodded her goodbye to Ron and walked off to potions. She would confront Blaise then.

She approached the dungeons and sat beside Blaise, who pretended not to notice her.

'Hey, Blaise!' she exclaimed

Blaise looked away from the blackboard, at her.

'What do you want, Hermione? Blaise retorted.

'That isn't exactly the answer I was looking for but it'll have to do. So…' she continued trying to frame the question properly. Deciding not to beat around the bush, she stated,' What does the Hogwarts logo mean?'

A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth, "Oh that." Hermione waited but it didn't seem likely that he was going to say anything further.

'Can you tell me anything about it?' she added frustration seeping into her voice. Slughorn or Draco would be here any moment now.

' What's in it for me?' Blaise demanded.

'Well, that obviously depends on what it means. But whatever it does mean, you'll have a say in it.'

Blaise considered. 'Alright! It means "Never tickle a sleeping dragon" in Latin I suppose.'

'What?' Hermione stated , clearly taken aback at the answer.

'You heard me.'

At that very moment Slughorn and Draco walked into the class. What timing!

' I'll be waiting.' Blaise muttered as Hermione approached her seat next to Draco who was also sitting down.

Trying to bring her mind back to potions Hermione concentrated on Slughorn's untidy handwriting on the blackboard. She would need a clear head later. She had some thinking to do.

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><p><strong>I do realize Hermione might seem kind of inconsiderate when she was talking to Ron. I apologize for that. Reviews are appreciated and Criticism is welcome! Thanl you for reading!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, beautiful people! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, checkpoint exams are quite stressing. I hope I haven't lost my readers…please? Anyway, here's chapter 3…brace yourself for a crazy amount of exaggeration…and quite a lot of OOC characters. **

Hermione was sitting at the far end of Gryffindor common room, turning the fake galleon the DA had used during their fifth year delicately in her hand. As much as she denied it to the others, she had to admit it radiated a rebellious feeling she quite enjoyed.

She had given a lot of thought to the school logo and couldn't- for the sake of Merlin- understand why she was so intrigued by it. She just wanted to know what it meant, right? Or did she?

Exhausted by all the confusion these mere words were causing her, she stalked off to the boys' dormitory to look for Harry and Ron. Hermione found them sitting on the foot of Harry's bed. Harry was polishing his Firebolt and Ron was looking at it in awe. That's all they seemed to do these days.

"Hem, hem," Hermione cleared her throat, imitating a certain toad faced professor all of them despised. Harry and Ron looked up at Hermione with a startled expression plastered to their face. "Not funny, Hermione." Ron shout-whispered as Hermione settled herself on Harry's bed. She allowed herself a vicious smile and stated, " I needed your attention."

For the next five minutes all that could be heard was the sound of wood on wood as Harry turned his Firebolt gently to examine his work and the rhythmic pitter-patter of rain on their window pane.

"So what led you to our exceptionally warm dorm on this absolutely dreadful evening?" Harry asked.

"No reason," Hermione replied her voice quivering ever-so-slightly.

Ron raised his eyebrows, " You were never a good liar, Hermione. So, go on… spit it out."

So she spilled. And after a long silence Harry spoke up, "So?"

"So what?" came Hermione's instant reply.

"Well, what do you expect us to do about this?" Harry explained.

" I don't know…it's been on my mind lately."

Harry silently went back to polishing his broom. He honestly didn't know what to do with this unexpected information! Hermione turned to Ron. "Well?" she asked him. She was graced with no reply. "RON!" she screamed unable to take the boys' silence any longer.

Ron looked up at her with a slightly devious smile, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"What are you thinking?" Hermione asked suspiciously. Rather typically of Ron, he answered with a bloody metaphor, "Revenge is best served cold."

"Oh, Ron! What could you possibly mean by that?" Hermione sighed, frustration now slowly creeping into her tone.

"Is Malfoy ticklish, Hermione?"

Hermione eyes widened in horror as realisation climbed up her spine, cold. She knew it was coming. However, that didn't seem to lessen the shock.

"Oh! No, Ron! You can't possible do that!" Hermione stuttered, shock slowly wearing off. "But Hermione! Even if he's all nice now and he didn't mean any of it and la di da di da….he still ruined 7 years of our life. 7 years that were to be the spot light of our lives.

"He didn't ruin the 7 years. He was just an unpleasant glitch," Hermione stated, trailing away from the subject at hand., avoiding eye-contact with Ron. A long silence followed as Hermione cowered from Ron Weasley. Even though she wasn't looking at him, she could feel his glare. She just couldn't take it anymore!

"Fine!" she shouted, "What do you want me to do?"

"Leave that to me" Ron trailed off into deep thought.

"Alright then. But I'm keeping an eye on you." She fumed and stalked off.

Hermione regretted telling the boys about the 'dragon'. Was it worth torturing Draco for something he isn't to blame for?

"Oh, come on! Torturing? Tickling doesn't come under torturing! Tickling is…something fun."

"Yes? Well, do you like being tickled? OH, WAIT! You don't know! 'Cause you have NEVER been tickled! Every angel in Nostalgia land fears you, despises you. They wouldn't dare Tickle you!"

"You know nothing about me! I have been tickled…mercilessly. Of course, you weren't there! OH, NO! You were too busy judging me because of these cursed horns."

Hermione looked up at the two 'figurines' of herself, that now floated in front of her. "If you two are done, I'd like my sanity back, please", she muttered, tired, almost bored.

As the shoulder angels disappeared, Hermione felt a sinking feeling of despair. Did she really dislike their company? Well, she certainly didn't enjoy it. She wasn't sure what to do anymore but she did know one thing…. Hermione Jean Granger was losing her marbles.

**And that's Chapter three! I hope you enjoyed it but since that's too much to ask…I hope you survived it. I have written chapter four but it is excruciatingly bad. Reviews and criticisms are appreciated. To all those who did review, thank you! It is nice to know people actually enjoy my words. **


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